Haha. I have to give a shout out to my good friend “SuperDonk” today. He’s been hiding out in his secret lair awaiting results of the dreaded DNA test. It has been rumored that SuperDonk may have been “force fed” a ridiculous amount alcohol, with the purposes of getting him to crossbred with a quarter horse and produce a mule. The oddsmakers had assigned 3:2 odds that superdonk was the baby-daddy and that the DNA test would prove exactly that.

However, just like SuperDonks’ call of an allin, hitting runner runner straight holding 2-4 offsuit in the bigblind when three-king-two hits the flop, SuperDonk defies the odds, busts the book makers and is declared not the baby-daddy.

“Honestly, I am shocked” comments SuperDonk in an exclusive Poker Pub interview. “I looked at her, she has my ears, my same “messy main”, her “hooves” even greatly resemble mine. I never thought that this would end in my favor.”

It should be duly noted that SuperDonk makes ridiculous calls on the poker table all the time without thinking that things will end up his way.

More information on Donkeys in general:

Wikapedia
American Donkey and Mule Society
Donkey Manifesto

With little time to do a “real” post today due to some personal things going on today, I leave you with this thought…

Many people fall in a “pile” and come out smelling like a rose. “SuperDonk” however, starts off smelling like a rose, and then falls into a pile. Stated another way… SuperDonk wins the $500 first prize in the Freeroll at the local pub. Approximately 24 hours later, SuperDonk and I are en route to the same pub, to qualify for the monthly $1000 freeroll for April, when his timing belt soils itself. Approximate cost of repairs: $500.

I was originally scheduling the “State of CheckRayz” address for today’s column, however something happened this weekend that I really feel the need to write about my friend Kyle, who by day is mild mannered “that guy.” However, put a clay chip in front of him and a deck of cards, and “that guy” can be seen running to the outhouse to change into his alter-ego “SuperDonk,” the supreme hero of the horrible play and subsequent suck out. Anyways, Kyle found himself in the monthly freeroll at this local pub we’ve been playing and I wanted to write a bit about this tournament.

Kyle had placed fourth in one of the weekly events. Those who place 1-4 at any weekly events play in the “last Sunday of the month” (note: the last Sunday in the month fell in April by this pub’s calendar). To spell out exactly how this works, those who placed 2-4 start at 2pm. The top 8 gain entry to the 4pm event, which combines these players with everyone who had finished first place. $1000 dollars would pay over 4 places, and the potential to win a sweet car was on the line (one of those lucky hands type of things where the final hand had to match exactly the cards in the envelope — never gonna happen).

While we were waiting for the event to begin, I was taking side bets… not for money, just for comedy value. The over/under was 5 on how many people would show up 1 hour late, because they did not set their clocks ahead and hand no clue that this was to occur. It should be noted that several regulars who play in this event are the type that are not inclined to watch the news or read the papers, so this is quite possible. I felt I was being generous by setting the over/under at five and had a gut feeling it should have been closer to ten.

Anyways, the doors opened for the 2pm start time. Kyle quickly ran to the outhouse, posted to the Donk Poker Forum,  and emerged as SuperDonk, sporting his cape, ready to suck out. I was perched in such a manner that I could see the entire room, as my chair was on the riser that held the dj booth. Play was a bit tighter than normally experienced in this event. Kyle and I had discussed strategy before the event. The blinds format is one that I’m not real comfortable with, having a starting stack of 50 and blinds elevating from 1/2, 2/4, 4/8, 5/10, 10/20, 20/40, etc. every fifteen minutes. Its such a format that one almost has to make a move in the first two rounds, else lose betting power. I told him the standard… respect position, avoid playing junk, have the wisdom to know when your raise is not going to accomplish what its intention is, etc. Ideally, a semi-tight passive style is probably most appropriate preflop, switching to a tight aggressive style post flop. Picking one’s spot, however, and respecting position is of paramount importance.

Kyle folded around and pretty much observed early on, seeing how the table reacted. His table appeared to be more passive than previous tables, which of course throws the above off. Peeps
were actually taking down steals preflop and continuation bets causing folds… This was something never seen before at previous events. Could it be the table or was it the five ten peeps missing cuz they had no clue on the time change?

Blinds increased a few times over and SuperDonk is still alive and kicking. 3 tables of eight remain and as a courtesy to the table, I began calculating avg. stack and sharing it with those at SD’s table. This statistic is more important than M, in a sense, as top 8 is the goal. Just as I say this, one of the players (Dave) has his Aces cracked by two pair. This move seems to cripple him, as he has about ten chips remaining. Fast forwarding, Dave later wins his BB via default and folds his SB. Other notable folds by Dave during this critical, crippling situation were JJ and AK. Yes, you read correctly, he folded AK from an early position and JJ on the button, because in his mind, survival was most important. People do actually fold hands of this nature preflop near the bubble. I personally could never do it, as my goal is never to “barely cash,” but in this case, his strategy paid off.

I was preoccupied and did not see what hand took kyle out, but he placed 12th, and thus was 4th alternate in the 4pm event. Kyle’s table had five peeps of the eight who qualified for the 4pm event, which came as no surprise.

Final event starts, and kyle gets the last seat (4 no shows). I wasn’t happy with where he was seated. He had a few players from his previous table, combined with the drawing know it all, Peanut who was probably among the best players in the event, and “Mr. I’ll See your two and raise you seven… come on let’s gamble.” Fortunately, this guy is seated to Kyle’s right. Unfortunately this guy’s voice is obnoxious annoying irritating enough to drive a man insane. Kyle cranks his mp3 playa up to 11, it should also be noted that the “loudest band in the world,” Spinal Tap’s amps also go to 11… just like Super Donk’s MP3 player. In a seemingly shady move, this guy was the dealer, trying to see and raise, and spills his chips on the floor. He bends down to grab his chips, taking the entire deck of cards with him… well, what was left of them. One of the players, Peanut, heard me mumble that this should be declared a misdeal. The cards should never leave plain sight of the table, and never drop below the table.

Fortunately, moronic man wouldn’t stay on for long, thus Kyle didn’t need the 11th setting on his dial, as the idiot saw two, and raised his ass right out the door, being the first to be launched from the tourney. His ever so famous last words were, “Its about time! I was trying to leave from the first hand” (read: I’m seeing double cuz I drank too much and raising my ass back to the corner bar a block over). While blaring his music, Kyle had not played a hand. His volume came down as everyone at the table commented as to what a relief this it was to have this idiot gone from the table.

Kyle made up for lost time and raised to a steal a pot or two. (fast forwarding a bit) Tables merged from three to two, with 18 players remaining and Kyle on the short end of average. Players began moving with urgency as the blinds rose and Kyle found himself on the final table as the second shortest stack. To my surprise, with only one exception, Kyle played a perfect final table. This did not cause me to sit unworried though. While I’d occasionally offer him advice on play between hands, I did not talk to him during his hand (after the deal), nor did he “pocket cam” me.

Acting under the gun, kyle limps. I cringe and silently vow to beat his ass if he doesn’t have one of three hands. 1 more limps after him, when “allin” comes from across the table. Late position calls, kyle reraises to allin and the limper behind kyle folds. Kyle has two people allin, and flips over pocket aces, looking at me and saying, “See, I can learn.” His aces hold up, and I am thrilled to death with him using this move. Suddenly, shorty is second in chip count and six remain. Very next hand, Kyle’s heated up, and gains a steal, only to donate chips a hand later returning him to the middle of the pack. He didn’t have the hand to continue and smartly laid her down.

(Fast forwarding a bit more)Its bubble time. Five players remained, SuperDonk who was playing as if his super powers had been immobilized by an influx of poker iq. To his left sat a player who had been on his table for both events. This guy was tough, but not a “smart” poker player, which I’m sure we’ll hear more about later. To smarty’s left, sat the callstation. I’m not sure, but I suspect he is the middle aged son of Ma Bell. Ma Bell’s baby boy sat with the chip lead, and was known for his call, call, call, call, call type of play. I told kyle he’d not stand much of a chance stealing from the button. To Kyle’s right sat a semi-tight aggressive player who was second in chips. He spoke with an accent of sorts, which is really totally irrelevant. He had not been a cheap date, from what I observed, as people were often made to pay heavily for the privileged to chase when he was in the hand. Two peeps to Kyle’s right sat a wirey, aggressive player who seemed to be playing the players and position more so than the board and his hand.

So to the bubble we go. I tell kyle that the button is not going to give him a steal, the short stack is the most likely to move with shit, and if he moves against the short stack, he’s likely going to get a call if shorty has a hand. Surprisingly, I was wrong on one account, as the heir apparent to the telephone empire went into a shell and folded to a 20 chip, allin raise while he was in the big blind putting out 100 chips and last to act. Wow… 20 chips to call 270 would not have broke the bank here and was an appropriate call with 2-7o (read: worst laydown of the day, bar none).

BB moves to Kyle, who is the second largest stack. SB is the short stack with about 250 chips. Action folds to the SB, who raises 100, leaving 50 left in his stack. Kyle looks at his hole cards and calls cleanly. Flop comes, SB pushes allin and kyle folds. This was his one bad play, where he was surely asking for a mulligan. He should have either reraised to allin, as the guy was pot committed or he should have folded. Either would have been correct, but folding was incorrect after the call. Kyle at this time had about 400 chips prior to the play. Next hand Kyle moves allin on the small blind, his queens hold up against Baby Bell and Kyle’s back to second in count.

I move in and tell kyle between hands the short stack is to his left now. I let him know that first to act, he can profitably make a move with 10-8 and above, providing he moves allin. Action moves around, and Kyle’s back in the SB as the second shortest stack. He looks into the hole and discovers 9-7s. He’s first to act, so he pushes allin, hoping for a call from the short stack big blind. The big blind calls with KQo. Kyle hits a seven on the flop, turn comes blank, and the river blanks as well. The bubble has burst and Kyle’s 9-7 takes the pot down!

Dude is irate. The table pauses for a bit, and I tell kyle that he had made a good play. He knew he’d be a dog if called, but the odds were worth it, as this guy had about sixty chips beyond his BB. I tell him once again the play was perfect and to keep it up. Dude overhears me and says “Are you f’ing kidding me? That was not a perfect play.” I tell the guy that it was a profitable move as he’s only a slight underdog… and by slight I mean less than 1% preflop from the average hand. The guy obviously didn’t get it, as he says “no one moves allin with a 9-7.”

I concede, as I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed individual, so I politely correct myself and tell the guy, “you’re right. Even though it was a 9-7s and a bluff, no one ‘calls’ allin with that hand and no one bluffs, especially not against the short stack and on the bubble. My bad, what was I thinking?” I tune the guy out, as he’s mumbling something that can only drop my poker IQ, whereas I stand no chance of raising his. While the commotion is going on, out goes the tough guy from Kyle’s right, via 99 v 88. Then out goes Ma Bell’s baby boy by virtue of a deuce (kyle called an inexpensive allin with k2s v a9) after wirey dude had softened the offspring of Ma Bell up quite a bit.

Heads up and Kyle had a sizable lead. Chips went back and forth back and forth and were about dead even. Fortunately, there was a dealer on the final table who was both knowledgeable in the game and also a former dealer at a casino, as the final hand was somewhat controversial. Wirey guy pushed allin preflop. Kyle knocked. Kathy, the dealer, asked is that a call? Kyle responds yes. Flop is turned over, kyle tries to push allin, apparently not realizing he was already allin. He flops two pair NH GG, cubs win Austin wins Super Donk wins!

Coming at no surprise, the magic hand misses the board, no car… However, I have to say that I was proud of “SuperDonk.” Generally speaking, I cheer against him, due to his horrible play. I could not have been more proud though, as he finally decided to play smart poker. Because of his play, I honestly could not have been happier if I had personally played and won the event. To me, its very rewarding when my advice is used and a player trusts enough to improve his or her game, especially when they get positive results. He and I will be going back again tonight, and then to another bar tomorrow to play, which will probably be the last monday-tuesday we can qualify for anything, considering soccer starts up again next week.

Before I get the “hate mail” stating that live poker play at a bad is not “off topic,” I’m going to preemptively disagree. Only once have I ever witnessed such a grossly horrible absence of poker skill from my collective opposition as I witnessed over the previous two Monday night sessions at my friend’s bar. By the way, unless anyone is keeping score, the only other time I’ve seen worse… or as bad, I should say is when I was playing “SuperDonk” heads up.

So Monday night I roll in from my live session “down the street” and the “Bat phone” rings, as SuperDonk is calling, wanting to know if I’m going to play tonight at the bar. I tell him that I’m going to go and get hands dealt, but I highly doubt that I’ll actually be “playing” there. SuperDonk is a bright guy, but he didn’t get that one, so I sell him a clue and inform him that in case he’s forgotten, its rare that with the ridiculous “play” (very loosely used term in this context) that anyone with half a poker brain will ever make the final table there. This totally goes over SuperDonk’s head as he retorts, “Well, I made the final table last week!” Point proven… Actually, I did as well, and I was quickly put out of my misery (thank god). So, I tell him I’ll meet him there in twenty.

A word about the tourney structure…

To preface my commentary here, I know that these tourneys are just for fun. Additionally, one should not expect to run into “professional” or top notch play here. That being said, first place pays out, top four make it to the “monthly final,” which is this weekend… I’ll be going to amuse torture myself on Sunday to watch the “monthly final.”

The blind structure leave a lot to be desired. Starting chip stack is 50 chips, each worth 1. Blinds are 1/2, which starts ya out a bit short stacked, and very short stacked if you’ve not made a move by round three. As a side note, it is rare that people will “recognize” a move when they see it. For example, round two of the second tourney blinds 2/4 (they run two tourneys a night on Mon and Sat), a good poker player (there are a few that play there… but only a few), raises preflop with ace ten, and gets one caller of said raise (the big blind). Flop comes 10-5-2. BB min. bets. The good player pushes allin. She had just doubled up on a set of aces a few hands prior. So, she pushes out 100 plus chips, giving the min. better horrible odds to call. There’s 26 chips in the pot from preflop, he bets 4, making it thirty… So, with her allin bet, he is putting his tourney life on the line to win a minimum amount of chips. He of course calls, though he wouldn’t “have to.” He flips over queen five off suit, pulls a queen on the turn and takes down the pot. Didn’t quite have the odds for him to call, but I don’t think he had a clue… oh well.

So, my partner in crime was ousted from the tourney. We had fun though, as we purposely sat down at the same table to surround this one moron in particular and just torture him. We indeed did torture him. Though, the price to pay by sitting at his table, was to sit at the same table with every other “poker lawyer” in the place. They all seem to sit at the same table and litigate, arguing every single little thing. I think they just like to argue and hear themselves explain how right they are.

(note: if this post seems somewhat unorganized, that’s because the game as a whole was unorganized. Which, apparently thinking about that game has thrown my story-telling pace off as well).

I managed to outlast most of the “table lawyers” at this table. Blinds went up and I was again “shortstacked” and slid allin with J-10s. I got not one, not three, but five callers. Flop comes Q-10-10. Turn is a two, and river is a nine. I’m ousted by a boat, twos over tens. NH gg… Other hands of note in this donk-fest: K-7o, KQo, 7-5s, 6-6.

Tomorrow is the mailbag and some more info on the leaderboard tourneys. Two more tourneys remain before the end of the first quarter CheckRayz Leaderboard Poker Tour. Tonight, a freeroll at River Belle Poker, and tomorrow the “Last Call” $5+.50, $100 added tourney, also at River Belle poker. These two events are the final chance to obtain leaderboard points for our big end of the quarter events.

So Monday night, i found myself heading to a local pub (owned by a friend of mine) to play in a freeroll. The freeroll was to be “winner takes all” format with the top four playing in the monthly finals this weekend. Two of my friends, “Gerg” and “Superdonk” (when not saving the world, superdonk’s secret identity is mild mannered security guard “that guy”) accompanied me on this poker playing endeavor.

We arrived early, and registered for the event. I was told they were expecting nearly 70 people this week, which was a new record for them. So apparently, they’re doing well in holding these event (twice a day on Monday and Saturdays). We grabbed our respective beer of choice and took a seat to talk, as we had about an hour or so to kill. And of course, the talk turns to poker (what else is there to discuss, right?).

Superdonk and I were discussing some of the play from the day prior at our “monthly” game. He has been haunted since his garbage call against me from a few months ago, when he called me preflop with his Ace three to my queens and sucked out on me. I went on and on about his play for the entire month several times daily and really messed with him about it. “Superdonk” had expressed concern that despite being 1 table away from him, back to his table, I was able to tell whether or not he had a legit hand. It started off with hearing him say “raise”… As a side note, Superdonk had been the topic of conversation at our table for a while. Any time he was in a bigger, contested hand, our attention would be partially turned to that table. Anyways, he calls “raise”… I look at the hostess and say to her, “Superdonk has tens”… She laughs. This had been the first time this afternoon I had made a prediction on what he was holding, so of course, I had to leave my table to see what was going to happen. The board hit him, big time scare flop. He threw a continuation bet, which was reraised. He laid down his hand, later disclosing to me that he had sixes. I was close.

Later on, actually in the second game, first hand of the second game, as a matter of fact, I’m camping out in the big blind. The utg player raises. Superdonk makes a call in the late position. A clean call of a 7.5 times blind raise. I knew the utg player had something good. Flop comes J-x-x. UTG bets the pot, Superdonk calls. Turn comes blank again. UTG betting, Superdonk calling. River is a ten. UTG pushes allin, Superdonk calls. UTG flips over his pocket kings, and Superdonk mucks. GG to Superdonk, as he’s gone in record time.

He later tells me he had AJs and flopped top pair. He rationalized it that he overheard “T” talking, saying he needed to get home to the wifey and was going to play LAG. Rule number one, never… and I mean NEVER believe such things. I mean hell… Superdonk always talks about how he’s planning to play tight, yet comes up with some ass-nine calls. He asks, “well what would you have done? I had a hand, I played it… what else was I to do?” Which leads me to my topic of the day… even a trained chimp can “play” poker.

A trained chimp can be conditioned or trained to raise when he sees aces, kings, queens, etc. He can also be trained to call with those hands when someone raises before him. He can be trained on “what to do,” given a set of instructions through conditioning. So theoretically, a chimp can be taught to “play” poker over time. A trained chimp, however cannot be trained as to “why” he is doing what he was trained to do. Apparently, neither can a Superdonk?

Superdonk and I broke down his hand and the play. The initial raise came in the first hand and was 7.5x’s the big blind. I asked Superdonk what he thought when action came to him and he looked at his cards. His reply “I saw AJ and wanted to play.”

“So you called,” I asked? “I mean, you did see me sitting in the BB, and a few tough opponents yet to act after you. Did it occur to you to that you gave everyone behind you better odds?

“Your hand… was it a strong heads up hand? Was it a multi-way hand? What were you trying to accomplish by calling? How did you think your hand ranked against his?”

Superdonk thinks for a minute… and he said he believed he had the best hand preflop. I asked what he thought that T had UTG? No response… “I don’t know, I had the best hand, I thought.”

“OK OK, let’s go one question at a time… You’re a smart guy, but I’ll go slow for you.

“He’s first to act, knowing there are seven people yet to act, and he raises 7.5x’s blinds. Is this an ‘any two cards’ type of move or one showing strength?” Superdonk agrees it is a show of strength.

“Action folds to you in the late position… having the cutoff, button, and blinds still waiting to act. The cutoff is as technically sound as they come and will play the odds if justified. The button is a calling machine and will play hands even when odds do not favor him. The SB LOVES to play out his blinds in defense. I’ll call or maybe even reraise in the BB if the environment justifies it. Your call, what was its purpose? Were you doing so wanting to be heads up, three way, multi-way? Were you wanting someone to reraise?”

“I wanted to see the flop heads up. I thought I had the best hand.”

“OK, sooooo… you called. Riiiight.”

“But I flopped top pair,” Superdonk adds, seeking my approval. I remind him we’re not yet to the flop.

I ask, “How did you know that you had top hand? Could you see his cards?”

“No, I just thought I did.”

“funny… I never once thought you had the strongest hand. Is a call a show of strength or weakness, typically speaking?”

“Ummm… I thought I had the best hand.” I can see Superdonk is getting a bit nervous, so I rephrase my question.

“Look, you thought you had the best hand preflop and wanted to be heads up. Would a reraise of some sort helped to convince me you had a great hand preflop?”

“Ummmm, I guess so.”

“OK, so do you think that a reraise might have helped to convince him and others you had a great hand, as well as to help reassure yourself that you were best,” I asked? Once again, I get the standard “ummmm, I guess so” response. As a side note, Superdonk is very bright, so he is capable of understanding, comprehending and implementing these things.

So, we go back and pretend he reraises. I go on to ask what would happen if he takes down the pot right then and there (not a bad thing), what he’d do if someone (specifically the utg raiser) came over top of him, and what he’d do if he was called cleanly. I also asked him how he’d feel if he folded preflop.

“What, fold AJs preflop? Are you kidding me,” Superdonk asks.

“No seriously, what if you folded that hand? I mean, its the first hand of the game, blinds are 2/4, you have 600 chips to Superdonk around with… You bitch cuz your AQ and AKs never hold up, so you call and commit with AJs?”

“I guess that is a possibility, especially considering I lost the hand.”

“Losing the hand has NOTHING to do with it, oh niave donk of all donks. Remember, we’ve not yet flopped the hand, we’re still sitting preflop.”

So finally, he asks me what I would have done. I tell him I’d have either re-raised a small amount to get a read, or I’d have folded, and folding would happen about 70% of the time in the first hand of the game with the UTG raising 7.5x’s blinds preflop. There’s plenty of time for me to play, and AJ is dominated by JJ, AQ, AK, and I’m a dog to AA, KK, QQ, while at the same time a favorite to KQs, 1010-22. I could be in trouble if the board does not hit me hard, and I don’t “need” to be in trouble that early in the game. Essentially, I told him I’d do anything but call with that hand, having action fold to me after the UTG raise and four to act behind me.

Bottom line is that Superdonk saw the ace, and mechanically had to be in that pot. If he had A3o, he’d still have called. He’d have re-raised with AA-1010. But why,” you ask? Its because he has committed to learning the game in the manner the trained chimp would be inclined to learn. He knows how to “play” poker. He constantly craves theory and knowledge behind why one would do what they’re doing, but he fails to apply the theories and concepts behind his actions to his game.

If one is serious about his or her poker game, they must invest the time and the effort to understand the hows and whys of poker and how each and every action is deliberate, looking to accomplish something specific, rule out possibilities, and to “tell a story” (no, I do not mean a story such as “I was in the big blind and got sucked out” either – I mean, “I’m betting to show you I have the best hand, prove me wrong” type of story). David Sklansky defines perfect play as one in that you’d make the identical play you made if you knew what your opposition was holding. It takes patience, understanding, thought and dedication to think in that manner. If you strive to be a craftsman, a master of the game, you must commit to understanding the why’s and how’s of the game… the theory; not just knowing what you do, but why you do it.